Working On Me

The unconscious mind is responsible for the vast majority of our daily actions. It is an uncomfortable thought that many of the big things we do every day (and believe we exercise conscious choice over) are dictated by our unconscious. For example, have you ever started to like somebody you have just met and wondered why? Have you ever, when driving a familiar route, found yourself suddenly at a certain point and had no recollection of the last ten miles?

The unconscious plays so much of a part in our decisions and actions, that the ability to talk directly to another person’s unconscious mind is an extremely valuable one. Let’s be straight, though; we are not talking about hypnotism, nor getting people to do things which are not in their natures.

One way you can talk to a person’s unconscious mind is to make a statement worded so that the person’s unconscious will accept it as an instruction, although consciously he or she will simply disregard it. An example would probably help here. Let’s say that you want the person in front of you to accept that buying a hybrid car (rather than an SUV) is a good idea. You could say:

“You should buy a hybrid car, not an SUV.”

This statement stays in the conscious mind, where your friend is free to consider your point of view, and reject or accept it. But by tomorrow, he’ll have forgotten that you ever said it as more pressing concerns occupy his conscious mind and force the thought of cars right out of it.

Phrase your statement slightly differently, and you’ll start a reaction in the unconscious which will ensure that your idea gets serious consideration and is not simply dismissed out of hand and forgotten. Try saying this instead:

“People are increasingly deciding to choose a hybrid car rather than an SUV.”

So far, there’s not much difference, except that here we are associating this belief with an implied large number of (albeit nameless) people. Conformity is very important to pack animals like humans, and this will create a resonance in the unconscious. The unconscious will want to pass this straight up into the conscious for consideration. If that happens, we face the same problem, because the conscious can discard the comment. So what we have to do is immediately give the conscious something else to occupy it, so that the unconscious has to keep our implanted thought.

Therefore, immediately after the statement, we ask an open question which demands conscious thought, and something longer than a yes, no or single word answer. To continue our example, we could ask:

“What sorts of things do you look for in a new car?”

The question should be related to the statement which preceded it, but should not simply rephrase it as a question. Remember that our aim is to keep the conscious busy thinking about something else so that the unconscious cannot get rid of the statement immediately into the conscious.

The full words are therefore:

“People are increasingly deciding to choose a hybrid car rather than an SUV. What sort of things do you look for in a new car?”

If you say this, then your statement will mature in the unconscious, which will give proper thought and consideration to your point, and you are most likely to have influenced the person’s thinking. Within about 10 minutes or so, you might well find that the person has been converted to your cause. Bear in mind, though, that this will not make people act against their basic values. This is neither hypnotism nor brainwashing.

How often are you frustrated when you're trying to make progress with someone, and you get to "I don't know"?

Often, we ask questions which require thought of another person, often more thought than they can be bothered to commit. This is typified by questions like these:

(To a child) “When do you plan to tidy your room?”

(From a life insurance salesman) “What would happen if you were to retire on a fraction of you current income?”

(To a working spouse) “How are you going to devote more time to the children?”

(To a partner) “What are we going to do about a holiday next year?”

More often than not, the easy answer will come back: “I don’t know.” When that happens, come back quickly by asking:

“But if you did know, what do you think you would say?”

You have to say this quickly, so that the other person responds quickly, before they realise what is happening and engage their conscious mind. You would be surprised how often people will actually give you a meaningful answer. That answer comes straight from their unconscious, and will probably surprise them.

Although much misused, the word 'factoid' really means a fiction that is repeated so often as fact that it is generally believed to be factual. Well it turns out that the idea we only use 10% of our brains is one such factoid, as I read in this fascinating article, which goes on to explain why such myths are perpetuated.

From the article, I also learned the term 'psycho-fact', defined as:

"a belief that, though not supported by hard evidence, is taken as real because its constant repetition changes the way we experience life."

I wonder what other 'facts' aren't facts at all.

I have written before about how and why to journal and how to sustain your writing once you have started. But a question on a forum made me consider another angle recently: what happens when you have neglected your journal for a period and want to restart? Perhaps you entered a busy period and your journal fell by the wayside, or perhaps you just lost interest. For whatever reason, you want to make a fresh start.

The thought of cataloguing all that has gone on since you stopped recording your life is likely to be daunting and may put you off starting again. But you can’t just launch in again as if nothing has happened either. What I suggest is this:

1. Take a blank sheet of paper – not a page in your journal.
2. Divide the sheet into sections by drawing lines. If it’s been just a few months since you stopped, then each space represents a month. If it’s been years, each space represents a year.
3. Write the names of the months or the years in each space and then write one or two bullet points of notable events from that month or year. Don’t add any detail – just use a word or two or a memory trigger.
4. Tuck the completed sheet in your journal.

Now, start writing in your journal again regularly. Once a week (or whenever you feel like it, or have the time), pick one of your months or years and write up the events as you remember them. As you record your memories, cross them off on the sheet. Before long, there will be nothing left on the sheet and you will be back to journaling in the normal way.

Take a look at the graph. This a representation of Virginia Satir’s model of change. It describes what happens when individuals, families or other groups face some sort of change.

I’ll outline what it means and how you can use knowledge of it to make sure your reaction to changes large or small always maximises opportunity.

Let’s first examine each of the stages on the curve.

1. Late Status Quo. This is how life is before the change. It is what we have become used to and we will probably derive a certain amount of comfort from its familiarity.

Foreign Element. Something happens which causes a change in how we go about things. This might be a new work objective or boss, or perhaps the loss of a friend or family member. It could be a big change or a small change, but it will have an impact.

2. Resistance. Also known commonly as ‘denial’, this stage is where we seek to go on as we always have and ignore the Foreign Element. We hope that in doing what we always have, we’ll get the same result we always have. Although we have to change in response to the Foreign Element, there is inertia and comfort in the late status quo and we’ll resist abandoning it for a time.

3. Chaos. Things get worse before they get better. We have to break it before we can rebuild. The clichés are true. When we realise that the old methods no longer produce the results they used to and that our resistance is futile, we’ll tend to sink into a period where things are rather chaotic as we cast around for new certainties to latch on to.

Transforming idea. Eventually, we’ll identify how we have to act in the new circumstances. We’ll start to find that new behaviours and beliefs are having a positive effect, which will motivate us to repeat them.

4. Integration. Gradually, we’ll get better at applying new methods and coming to terms with the new reality. As we become more and more confident, we surpass our pre-change performance levels.

5. New status quo. We finally reach a plateau when the new reality has become ‘business as usual’.

So what? How can you use what you know about the curve to get better results when things change?

1. Be ready for foreign elements and limit your Resistance response.
2. Expect Chaos. Welcome it as a natural stepping stone on the way to improvement and do not treat it as a reason to dig in and strengthen your resistance.
3. Throughout Chaos and Integration, notice how the ups and downs of the line are quite extreme. This represents trial and error; some new behaviours and beliefs will work, some won’t. Try to get good quality feedback here. If you do, you’ll shorten the Chaos Period and make the climb in Integration steeper, reaching the New Status Quo sooner.
4. In Chaos, make sure you’re actively seeking out the Transforming Idea, rather than waiting for it to find you.
5. Don’t settle too quickly for a New Status Quo. Critically examine whether you are at the top of the mountain or just a comfortable ledge on the way there.

The great economy of language which the bullet-point represents can often encourage writers to omit too much. Many is the time I’ve sat looking at a cryptic 3-word bulletpoint on a PowerPoint slide and thought, “What on earth does that mean?” Sometimes, such ambiguity is intentional; often, it is not.

The greatest example of this is the dropping of the definite articles which pepper the everyday language. Or, to render that last sentence in PowerPoint:

• Greatest example is dropping articles

The “articles” we are talking about, of course are all those instances of the word the , which grammarians call the “definite article”. (The word “a” is referred to as the “indefinite article”, by the way.) In bullet-point format (and in newspaper headlines, incidentally), it is customary to drop articles freely and let the nouns stand alone. But there are times when at least some of them absolutely need to be retained. For instance, there is a difference between “school” and “the school” that needs preserving; the former relates to all schools, perhaps the very concept of educating children, whereas the second clearly refers to one particular establishment. Consider the difference between, “School is appalling.” and “ The school is appalling.”

There is also the issue of what I call “internal articles”. When we change the cost of living to cost of living we have dropped a leading article. When, on the other hand, we change sign of the times to sign of times then we have dropped an internal article. I would argue that dropping a leading article will often be acceptable, whilst internal articles should usually be preserved. Why? Simply because when we remove words from inside a phrase like this, it is harder for the reader to put them back. However colloquially we speak, we will always use sign of the times in speech rather than sign of times , so I would argue that we should always retain the form in writing. Most people when reading turn the written words into ones they imagine being spoken in their heads, so the writer’s task is to facilitate this process, and preserving the internal articles is one way to do this.

There’s a lot of information on ‘monetising’ your blog. It seems you can make a little cash from your readers in various ways, selling them your own products or inviting them to click buttons or ads so other people can sell them things.

I can see why people use their blogs as a source of income in this way, but it’s not for me. I use the blog to share my thinking and to pass on little tips I have benefited from or am just starting to use. I have learned an enormous amount from other people's blogs, and continue to learn from them every day. I hope there are people who can learn from what I post here.

I don’t really have much of an idea who is or will be reading my posts (other than the few who have commented, bless you) but whoever you are:

• I don’t really have anything to sell you
• I think there’s probably enough advertising in your life already
• I want nothing from you except maybe the odd bit of feedback

Earlier this week, I wrote about a system to keep in touch with people. When you start working your KIT system, you will notice that strange things start to happen. Before long, people will be calling you more regularly, meaning you need to undertake less contact activity yourself. Also, you will find that when you call people for no real reason, they often say, “I was just thinking of you, because…” and then relate some opportunity that you can benefit from. If you hadn’t have called, you’d never have known.

So, with your KIT system in place, you might want to consider an emergency repair strategy, to rescue those atrophied relationships. One thing to remind yourself straight way is that it takes two people to lose touch, so don’t shoulder all the guilt.

The only effective way to re-establish contact is to get on the phone, pick up a pen, or go to the computer and be honest. Say or write something like this:

“I feel bad that we haven’t spoken so long, and I miss your friendship. I’d really like to re-establish regular contact.”

What can sometimes smooth the way is to add an apology, like this:

“I am so sorry I haven’t tried harder to keep in touch with you these past years.”

Don’t make an excuse at this point, just offer the simple apology. Almost without fail, your contact will respond with a similar apology and insist on shouldering his or her share of the blame.

Once this is out of the way, it’s time to set the foundation for ongoing contact. The easiest way to do this is to get the other person talking, and you might ask:

“So, what’s new in your life since we last spoke/met?”

Before long, you’ll be chatting just like in the old days.

In my last post, I spoke about the situation where you’ve lost contact with a business contact, but now need their help. However dire your need, don’t ask for that help at the first contact call, or you are likely to be labelled a user and cut off forever! Try to leave it for the second or third contact, but if it really is very urgent, call a couple of days after first contact.